I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
