I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
