I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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