508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
