i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the condom got lost in my hair
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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