Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
