Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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