Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
