Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
