Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
