True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if only i could text you this smell
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
