I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
