ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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