If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
