I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
