I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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