I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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