she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
