So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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