The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
