New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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