I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
