and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Let's get the cat blown out
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
