I showed him my bush... on skype.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
