I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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