His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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