Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
