i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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