The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
