im having a threesome with these popsicles
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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