I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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