He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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