Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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