Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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