Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
