woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There are leaves in my underwear?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
