I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
