You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
