were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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