I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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