He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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