I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
