i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
