i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
and you said cock pushups were impossible
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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