EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
