he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
