Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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