I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
