Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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