I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
